OK, here's what we're not gonna do; we're not gonna pretend I matter today. to you, or myself. we're gonna try to talk through all of the fallacies that run through the existence of this thing called "Ryan". this damaged creature that uses twisted logic as the tool to cave in his own skull while he waits for the pain to stop. he builds no walls but keeps hearing he has to "break them down" so he stumbles around crumbling everything in sight and setting fire to his bridges then whines "this place sucks and I can't go anywhere else!" this is a conversation I'm sorry to drag you in to but I'm tired of it being me with tears rolling down as this asshole in the mirror smirks and taunts me with "really? that's all it took to ruin you today?" do you know what its like to sit next to your best friend, feel alone, then panic because you feel like you've just devalued one of the few people that actually give a flying fuck about your existence? meanwhile they're probably thinking about...cheese or something, completely unaware of your unintentional slight upon their entire being. I'm tired of pretending I'm OK when I don't even truly know what it means anymore. endlessly pushing towards an ending and not knowing what for while I constantly dive head first into every puddle I'm pointed in the direction of to search for a point only to find when I come up for air there's nobody left and I have no discovery, no progress. one foot in front of the other is worthless when your world is a treadmill but if you stop it slings you back on your ass so you keep plodding on. what for? why aren't you answering me?! god, jehovah, Allah, excuse, lie, whatever you call it, I've never found my comfort in it. not even pointing me in the direction of an answer just another round trip journey that lands me back at the beginning wondering why they took the rope from the gallows and the blade from the guillotine. and as always with a little medication, a deep sigh, and an unlimited supply of desperation I step back on my treadmill. step. step. step.
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I look at the population abhorrently
as a whole they've always ignored me so fuck the masses and fuck the majority even without them I've got more to be so sit right there and be amazed by what you'll see as you stand there in awe while I show you what happy means. deemed a demon just for dreamin about passion and love
wallowing in the days you forgot what happiness was pouring your soul out just to see what it does writing it all down so you don't forget who to trust knowing nothing ever ends until something begins and you never truly lose until someone else wins you choose to weigh the balance of your greatness and sins to see if you even deserve to have friends so when it's all over and the final bell rings standing before the beard in the sky you aren't even sure you believe in he asks one question with a devious grin "so, looking back, son; would you do it again?" dear friends welcome to the eulogy
please come on in and find a seat we are about to begin now, all eyes on me here lies all of my hopes and dreams buried next to the bodies of my enemies but in this coffin is my inner peace if you look in my eyes you'll see what I mean you let the good guy die to see the villain in me there's a beast inside and I'm dropping the leash its like nothing before that you've ever seen not even imagined in your wildest dreams but wait til you see what I have up my sleeve sorry for losing my composure, just needed a little release please bow your head, a moment of silence please There is a wonderful love that has existed for eons without direct interaction. A beautiful entanglement despite its poetic tragedy. Unable to truly be together but desperate to make sure the other knows of their devotion, they each play a special role.
One creature, dressed in a dazzling robe of vibrant colors with eyes that shine like the sun in golden rays. Beneath the robes we find all that we deem good in the world spread across ever changing neons of her skin. She spends her lonesome thinking of her beloved. She began small, making little amoebas and sending them on their way, waiting for the fruits of her labors. On the other side of this grand romance we find a figure cloaked in darkness, eyes with the eerie glow of a full moon on a clear, quiet night. The shades of gray that emanate, and slight dampening of sound that surround him, sending chills through the spines of the men of our age, but more ancient by far. He stumbles across the amoebas and is delighted yet heartbroken. He feels he can not love the little wonders the way they deserve without being able to see them. He tries anyway. In time she sees his care for these infinitesimal creations and is heartened by his compassion, causing her to love him all the more. She decides to continue her work in devotion to him; in devotion to "them". She begins work on something bigger. She hardens the exterior of her little ones, putting many together in order to form a shell of shining scales in colors as exquisite as her own. Next, she gives them ribbed support structures webbed with soft flexible skin so they can move more easily. And finally, a face of eyes and mouth to see their own beauty and feed their own existence. He sees these new things, shimmering and glorious. However, he finds he must wait longer for their arrival. This doesn't bother him, he finds watching them calming during the wait. She has seen how much he has taken to yet more concoctions and decides to go wild in her passions. She pulls them from the water, gives them various forms of skin, fur, and armor. She allows them weapons of their own to do battle for their own loves with tooth, claw, and antler. Some she chooses to turn their scales to a thing she calls "feathers", and the "fins" to "wings". These ones take to soaring through they sky for their own adventures. While most are on four legs, some have none. He is beside himself with joy as everything fills the empty realms he once knew. He collects them each in time with a gentle smile, welcoming them home. As the millennia pass he notices one he doesn't recognize. In his overwhelming curiosity he decides to collect this one before its' time. He is berated as she demands him to return it as it "wasn't finished". These strange shiny monkeys walking on two legs with large foreheads and slumped shoulders leave his realm and within a couple centuries they are barely recognizable. She proudly continues to work on her favorite creation. From time to time she must retrieve some as he seems to enjoy them as much as her. A greater romance there never was. Life makes beautiful gifts...and Death keeps them forever. Hey, I'm Ryan but you can call me Camo. I am a multifaceted jewel with a few rough and uncut sides: a poet, an artist, a cowboy, a redneck, a nerd, a craftsman, an automotive modifier, and so much more. I'm fairly new to writing, however I've found some peace in it. My style is about honesty and introspections. They're often about my depression, my anxiety, my desires for romance, and the drastic swings these can cause in my mind. I often tend to ramble but I hope you connect with the work nonetheless!
Dear George,
I apologize for not being there to help you resist the demise of your existence, It's obvious that the officers wasn't listening, as they pent you in that awkward position, as you told them that - You couldn't breath..... It seems as if the officer was more concerned with the placement of his knee, While exercising his dominance with one hand in his pocket, showing the ones who were watching that he is clearly, - Choking you out with ease... This situation is still mind boggling to me, so I pray that your killing doesn't be in vein... And that the next time a Blue collar makes an arrest for a White collar crime, that individual doesn't end up slain, "George Floyd," may the world remember your name! - My Letter 2 George- MAMA YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS, WHEN I USE TO SNEAK UP ON YOU AND GIVE YOU A KISS.
YOU WOULD BE LIKE "BOY DON'T DO THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR MOUTH HAS BEEN, GIVING ME THAT JUDAS KISS" YOU WOULD ACT LIKE I JUST COMMITTED A SIN. THE WORLD BECAME A LITTLE BIT COLDER SINCE YOU PASSED AWAY, THOSE LESSONS YOU TAUGHT ARE STILL WITH ME TO THIS VERY DAY. GOD KNOWS BEST, I MEAN HE HAD TO WHEN HE CALLED YOU HOME TO REST, THEY SAID YOU WERE ASKING ABOUT ME A THE WAY TILL YOUR LAST BREATH, AND FOR ME NOT TO BE THERE KEEPS THIS HOLLOW FEELING IN MY CHEST. BUT GUESS WHAT MA YOUR LOVE AND WORDS WERE NOT IN VAIN, YOU REMEMBER TELLING ME "GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY" I FIND MYSELF SAYING THE SAME THING. LOVE? YOUR LOVE WAS UNCONDITIONAL, THEY DON'T MAKE THAT LOVE NO MORE, THAT'S THE TYPE OF LOVE PEOPLE ARE WISHING FOR. REMEMBER YOU AND I WENT TO MEMPHIS TO VISIT YOUR BROTHER, THAT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE ME AND MY MOTHER. I STARTED TALKING ABOUT I MISS SNEAKING UP AND KISSING YOU, BUT GOD KNOWS IT'S BEEN EIGHT YEARS MAMA IM JUST MISSING YOU. REST IN PARADISE LADY! A moment frozen, lapsed and stayed, a monument in memory,
As the television flickered a scene of togetherness, It brought to mind only the distance no longer shared between you and me, The air still and quiet brings to mind the revelry that sang in the breeze, The darkness stark and shaded contrasts the light and how it played, As fairies do, across your face and made radiance feel teased, The sight of your smile chiseled in my mind to hold at bay sorrow, Emotion the cure and also the malady but without, life would be nothing and i wouldnt hope to see you in some beautiful tomorrow. |
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