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Ghosts don't need to feel, this punishment is for the living
The old concrete bags lining the creek, holding the road up and off my path The time not working hurts more than the broken leg Living with you permanently may be a bigger mistake than staying with her was Shear panic and cold sweat as the world shrinks and consciousness grows My old boy purrng with his eyes closed and his claws kneading my shoulder Them there's fightin' words A pile of things I don't need that I won't get rid of She answered the phone and seemed so happy it was me If you stand up to everything you'll get knocked down a lot more, sure you wanna fall that much?
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As I stare at these gray skies I tremble with the fear that one day again staying alive will be more painful than suicide but the chill in the air doesn't reach inside so I push on. The wind takes my hood and my breath but I remain thankful that the sun still shines on my horizon. I still don't stray fro this dim, the unfamiliar light strains my eyes. I'm happy to stay on the periphery, the only thing allowed to shine in this space is me but I still hide in this hoodie. You see, this depression and anxiety with a thing I think I'm supposed to call "happy," this this strange duality is a symptom of the things I let happen to me. Now I might wait for the skies to clear and the clouds in my mind to make way for the rays of radiance my true future wishes to show despite the scars in my mind and on mty heart. The day continues and I walk on, still unsure but somehow better from the pain. I don't think I can explain this smirk tugging at the corners of chapped lips but the distance offers its solace as I mutter the venom spit against me to make sure I never forget what built me, the true hand-hewn timbers of my being. The roof built of the scars left behind to finally shield me from the inconsistent rain. My heart beats along to the tap of the drops, each a beat in time that didn't beat me. So I'll walk, without an umbrella, towards a later end. The rain rusts my blade to let me know today is not the last for me. So on I go. Care to go with me?
So I've changed a lot. Like, A LOT. I started drawing again, I write poetry now, and I'm even working out. I'm starting to get the ink I've wanted for years and decided I WILL get to pierce more than just my left ear. Now every time I relax there's movies in my head of what life might be. I really like the one that fades in on me in my torn, beat up jeans, arms that actually fills my sleeves, sleeves on AND in my skin, steel in my ears, nose, and lip, standing on stage at an open mic night tellin' the whole room how it is. Gain the notice of a cute, brainy chick, she asks me to take her home and when we're all alone I get to put a piece of me in her soul then ask her in the morning, "now where are WE gonna go?" I know it may be a bold assumption but I'm calling it now that I WILL find that happy wife to put in my life and smile as we grow. Have a job I love, build my big Chevy truck, riding horses through the mud, drinkin moonshine in the daylight with a group that makes it feel alright to be me. Now this may be wrong, but I believe that if you're happy with nothing you have no reason to push for something so what's the point in living? So I'll keep it goin 'til I can see my daydreams with my eyes open.
Said i don't smoke crack but I'll lick the split. Hit it from the back and make it drip. Tell her all of that and whatchya get? A girl who don't expect much but a hit n' quit. Now open up, show another "here's my heart." Let 'em see who you really are from the start. Look in her eyes, try to make her believe. Then, she calls you a bitch as she turns and leaves. Soul feels like it ain't worth a buck, but you're still spinnin that wheel hollering "press your luck." Then your number hits, lights flash, you think you won. Runnin' around to all your friends sayin "she's the one." Meanwhile, she's tuggin' strings just havin' fun. Go ahead puppet, dance, it'll make her smile. Just a jester in her court all the while. Follow her on and on a thousand miles. Then she says it's over and leaves with him. You're forced to start over again, in a scary place far away you've never been.
life is nothing but a slow death
asking yourself when's my last breath and what is gonna be my last check on this list you had in your mind of things to do before you died and you think there's nothing but dark left that's because all the light you had was left inside of all of those you loved and left behind even though you're gone they'll still have that guide Fuck praise the Lord, praise the lowered. that man kicked down the ladder that still continues his climb. the one that lacks the support external so he reaches again for that crutch in his soul. "forward" is the only word on his mind despite the multitude of curses on his tongue. a shell of vulgarity hides his true shine. he keeps that light for himself and those he deems worthy only. you look mad, did I upset you? that's okay, I'm not even sorry. this is how i feel and I'll no longer apologize for it.
color is a word not a number so stop acting like it's a 9 to point at your brother's head and come to you senses before we all wake up dead. i know venom in your vains is caused by the pain of your personal pride clashing the anger in your eyes. don't let the prejudice outside keep poisoning your mind because the guy by your side might save your life. different llok but the same cries, both fighting the same lies and you still wanna draw lines pointing a gun at his head yelling at the TV like "if you don't shut up, he dies!" but you were holding up the same signs. different grapes from the same vine and now the land is covered in his wine and someone's kid is doing time. i don't get it, just, why? if only we could rewind so i could show you his mind because while you were looking for another piece to find in your puzzle he was looking for some peace of mind in our struggle.
staring down the barrel of some 45%, smoking, drinking, thinking, wondering what it was she meant. love stings, whiskey burns, and smoke just fills my head. stare off into space and think about the things we said. i just want to keep it moving and get away from all this stress. but nothing seems to work and all your heart can do is hurt. no matter how much you try you still can't seem to hide from the pieces of your life that you lost and left behind with them. now please don't get me wrong that's not where you belonged and it's ok to take a moment to catch your breath. you can do it by your self or someone else can help to get you through and cope with it instead. to keep the story short there is no last resort. there's options always coming round the bend. no matter how it hurts, something's in the works and we won't let this bring you to an end.
to anyone reading,
there's some things i wanna do but they're never happening. i don't have the option despite the opportunity because i've always felt like i had to live for you instead of me and it's kinda saddening, really maddening, but if i get it out maybe i can save my humanity. see, ther used to be this angel on my shoulder, would sit n talk to me but i can't remember the last time she's been seen. been replaced by the voices of those important to me spouting venom viciously through the teeth of some demonic deity that always seems to haunt my dreams. now i'm not trying to be derrogitory, i know they only want whats best for me but their words about a future neither of us can see can be misconstrued and wind up damaging my self worth and how i think you see me. i can't seem to find the support i think i need and i'm not saying it's your fault but hey, it might be. you could try pushing me towards my goals and dreams with just a little cautioning instead of telling me what i want is wrong and its another aspect of my life i'm ruining. i'm already kinda broken, damaged you see. but the broken parts as a whole are a thing of beauty. if you truly love me you can show it by ignoring society and standing by me. i am not the enemy Sincerely, The Inner Me if my self doubt is fueled by phantoms of what used to be then what is expected of me and when I come across the realization that no one will ever touch me and it has nothing to do with electron repulsion or external physiology but it's most definitely caused by this internal psychology that I victimize myself with day in and day out. what I never seem to see is another route that will get me out of this hole that I keep digging; sometimes its from the side walls of these depths and I call these lateral moves "progress" despite the fact that my elevation hasn't changed since I decided to try to make others happy without concern for the guy behind these eyes. now despite this self awareness I haven't figured out a way to change the directions of my actions like I'm caught in a loop endlessly digging at my walls til they cave in and sometimes I don't even try to exhume myself right away, I just lie there under the weight of my own futility until I store enough stubbornness to fuel my trudge FORWARD UNTO DAWN!...or at least forward until I undoubtedly burry myself again. there's going to come a day when I move this hole to the edge of a lake and as the water rushes in I'll just be thankful that I learned to swim. you see my strengths are my vast array of useful skills squandered on useless task that have left me in a cycle of create hate destroy since I was a boy and every time I try to do something for my own sake im left disappointing those that I care about and wondering if they ever cared about me. I now have no idea what to do with my life but I'll probably figure it out. until then I'll be here with my shovel. thanks for stopping by, maybe I'll see you again.
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