As life changing as some of the events in my life were, for example: the several attempts of suicide, having a child of course, losing a child at a young age, my parents divorce, my grandmother's death all three of them, my grandfather's death two of the three because I never met my mother's father, the death of close friends, becoming a Marine, finding out my back is different and will only get worse, all the many ups and downs trying to find true love, my marriage, my divorce, the Lord showing me miracles by instantly answering prayers, and my criminal convictions of course.
Nothing from my memories seem to have a real lasting effect or a clear divide in my life. I only say that because I don't remember what happened early on in my existence. Whatever it was lead me to feel disappointment and detachment from this world. There was a clear divide in my life and ever since then, those feelings never changed. Some time and some place as a child, I found that living in this world was a punishment, because I was different and I wanted out.
Today I live, but surely the punishment hasn't changed. The one thing I find joy in I have yet to feel from anyone, including myself. It's the feeling of unconditional love. I question if a love without condition, is in fact an attainable truth? My depression stems from this question because from my perceptions I'm the only one that can't seem to find love.
Those perceptions must have led me to this conclusion early on. Love is something I will never obtain in my existence so at that time and from that moment forward I felt detached and I wanted out. Now no matter how hard I've tried to remove myself, I failed, so... I've continued to seek this thing I've defined as love with no change nor resolve.
I try to express what I've defined as love in all I do, even in my removal attempts, I thought it to be the loving act to do for others. Why burden others with my unattainable standards and beliefs? How can I expect the norm to be subjected to someone so abnormal in thought and description? All the examples I received from history and entertainment, showed me that being different deserves nothing more than to be ridiculed and or exterminated. So it makes perfect sense to me that I, being different down to the bone, should expect nothing more than ridicule and or extermination.
The weirdo is rarely accepted in this society no matter how hard they try. Everyday I try to convince myself it isn't true, even though everyday I get the same results. I seek love, I'm rejected, and I feel like crap. My insanity becomes expecting that one day it will all change. Expecting that somewhere, someone in this judgmentally fueled world, will love me. The seven year old weirdo, in a dimly lit kitchen, so eager to remove himself from a loveless world.
What made me feel this way, it's possible I will never find out but, I know I couldn't have hated this world since birth. I wonder what I was like then compared to now. Who was pre-suicidal Elijah? The one who felt at home at peace in a garden
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