As life changing as some of the events in my life were, for example: the several attempts of suicide, having a child of course, losing a child at a young age, my parents divorce, my grandmother's death all three of them, my grandfather's death two of the three because I never met my mother's father, the death of close friends, becoming a Marine, finding out my back is different and will only get worse, all the many ups and downs trying to find true love, my marriage, my divorce, the Lord showing me miracles by instantly answering prayers, and my criminal convictions of course.
Nothing from my memories seem to have a real lasting effect or a clear divide in my life. I only say that because I don't remember what happened early on in my existence. Whatever it was lead me to feel disappointment and detachment from this world. There was a clear divide in my life and ever since then, those feelings never changed. Some time and some place as a child, I found that living in this world was a punishment, because I was different and I wanted out. Today I live, but surely the punishment hasn't changed. The one thing I find joy in I have yet to feel from anyone, including myself. It's the feeling of unconditional love. I question if a love without condition, is in fact an attainable truth? My depression stems from this question because from my perceptions I'm the only one that can't seem to find love. Those perceptions must have led me to this conclusion early on. Love is something I will never obtain in my existence so at that time and from that moment forward I felt detached and I wanted out. Now no matter how hard I've tried to remove myself, I failed, so... I've continued to seek this thing I've defined as love with no change nor resolve. I try to express what I've defined as love in all I do, even in my removal attempts, I thought it to be the loving act to do for others. Why burden others with my unattainable standards and beliefs? How can I expect the norm to be subjected to someone so abnormal in thought and description? All the examples I received from history and entertainment, showed me that being different deserves nothing more than to be ridiculed and or exterminated. So it makes perfect sense to me that I, being different down to the bone, should expect nothing more than ridicule and or extermination. The weirdo is rarely accepted in this society no matter how hard they try. Everyday I try to convince myself it isn't true, even though everyday I get the same results. I seek love, I'm rejected, and I feel like crap. My insanity becomes expecting that one day it will all change. Expecting that somewhere, someone in this judgmentally fueled world, will love me. The seven year old weirdo, in a dimly lit kitchen, so eager to remove himself from a loveless world. What made me feel this way, it's possible I will never find out but, I know I couldn't have hated this world since birth. I wonder what I was like then compared to now. Who was pre-suicidal Elijah? The one who felt at home at peace in a garden
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I'ma keep it real when it come to poppen steel.
What I wanna brag for Brothers be scared when that blood shed from them bullet holes. Running from the law ain't dope, choked up on coke trying to stay woke paranoid for real, seeing enemies in friends, worried if ya family just love you for them endz Bags on bags adrenaline pumping for the re up All for one day in the club screaming, "we up!" Woman on ya wheels legs open like a drive thru Once you behind bars them same hoes a leave you. Returning only when you get close to release Then beg for ya crime wave to once again increase The Money money make you a dummy dummy Society got strings on you and the crack got them fiends on you. Somebody got to keep it real Even them soldiers hate to pop the steal Country got you killing for a cause you don't feel yeah none of that shit is really ideal talk to me! them past spirits talk to me! Can't sleep cause their blood shed haunting homies! then never know if revenge will catch up for their fallen homies Now our kids got the same beef blood shed keep the cycle in our same streets Never reveal your plans, or life moves. You have people that may seem observant to the obvious, but can't think above or beyond they mustache. When you believe in you. You can most definitely overcome all. With confidence, plus a high self-esteem nothing can become a substance to conquer your well being nor shall you let anything suck your life from your inner Soul! You must be stronger than the enemy or devils placed in our paths or DEMEANORS of everlasting Life!! These be your Options & Your Options Only!!!!!
Today I made you a garden
From it grew for you, your flower. One who blooms only towards the light in you. She has been written perfectly for your uniqueness and you hers. You are like her sun and she your moon. Earth your garden for nurturing and provision. I am forever your friend. She is everything you love in me and you. Love me and love her Remember she is my gift to you. She is your garden for nurturing and provisions You are her gardener. I have made you for her. Together perfect and made with love. With knowledge comes experience
and in it there is wisdom But entertainment distracts To engage the desires in them. |
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