if my self doubt is fueled by phantoms of what used to be then what is expected of me and when I come across the realization that no one will ever touch me and it has nothing to do with electron repulsion or external physiology but it's most definitely caused by this internal psychology that I victimize myself with day in and day out. what I never seem to see is another route that will get me out of this hole that I keep digging; sometimes its from the side walls of these depths and I call these lateral moves "progress" despite the fact that my elevation hasn't changed since I decided to try to make others happy without concern for the guy behind these eyes. now despite this self awareness I haven't figured out a way to change the directions of my actions like I'm caught in a loop endlessly digging at my walls til they cave in and sometimes I don't even try to exhume myself right away, I just lie there under the weight of my own futility until I store enough stubbornness to fuel my trudge FORWARD UNTO DAWN!...or at least forward until I undoubtedly burry myself again. there's going to come a day when I move this hole to the edge of a lake and as the water rushes in I'll just be thankful that I learned to swim. you see my strengths are my vast array of useful skills squandered on useless task that have left me in a cycle of create hate destroy since I was a boy and every time I try to do something for my own sake im left disappointing those that I care about and wondering if they ever cared about me. I now have no idea what to do with my life but I'll probably figure it out. until then I'll be here with my shovel. thanks for stopping by, maybe I'll see you again.