OK, here's what we're not gonna do; we're not gonna pretend I matter today. to you, or myself. we're gonna try to talk through all of the fallacies that run through the existence of this thing called "Ryan". this damaged creature that uses twisted logic as the tool to cave in his own skull while he waits for the pain to stop. he builds no walls but keeps hearing he has to "break them down" so he stumbles around crumbling everything in sight and setting fire to his bridges then whines "this place sucks and I can't go anywhere else!" this is a conversation I'm sorry to drag you in to but I'm tired of it being me with tears rolling down as this asshole in the mirror smirks and taunts me with "really? that's all it took to ruin you today?" do you know what its like to sit next to your best friend, feel alone, then panic because you feel like you've just devalued one of the few people that actually give a flying fuck about your existence? meanwhile they're probably thinking about...cheese or something, completely unaware of your unintentional slight upon their entire being. I'm tired of pretending I'm OK when I don't even truly know what it means anymore. endlessly pushing towards an ending and not knowing what for while I constantly dive head first into every puddle I'm pointed in the direction of to search for a point only to find when I come up for air there's nobody left and I have no discovery, no progress. one foot in front of the other is worthless when your world is a treadmill but if you stop it slings you back on your ass so you keep plodding on. what for? why aren't you answering me?! god, jehovah, Allah, excuse, lie, whatever you call it, I've never found my comfort in it. not even pointing me in the direction of an answer just another round trip journey that lands me back at the beginning wondering why they took the rope from the gallows and the blade from the guillotine. and as always with a little medication, a deep sigh, and an unlimited supply of desperation I step back on my treadmill. step. step. step.